Tuesday, March 21, 2006

What is Normal?

Before I start this blog entry
*** Cheerleading Update***
This weekend was a HUGE competition and a long one at that. At least the seats were comfortable. My daughter's team did so well and looked great. But they had some TOUGH competition. We took third place at the competition but they did get the "Golden Ticket". Because they scored so high on the scoreboard even though the team took third they gave us the golden ticket, which is a bid to compete at a very large competition in May in Baltimore City that is going to be televised and you can only compete by invitation. So you all will have to be watching for the crazed fan in the audience, that will be me.

Main Entry:
I had a friend ask me if there was ever a time in my life that I was normal. LAUGHS... Now I know how this sounds but it was not said in malice, it was a genuine question. I guess I should back up a bit. I was misunderstood by a friend recently and in an attempt to straighten out the misunderstanding I had to tell her about somethings from my past. Well, life growing up was no picnic and I have all the memories tucked away in a dark place of my soul. I prefer not to visit the memories but I had to to resolve this misunderstanding. Well it has put me into a "meltdown" (meltdown for a lack of better words)and I am just now trying to get them tucked away so I can move forward again. Anyone who knows me knows I have issues, hey they are mine so I embrace them, joke about them and try to deal with them the best I can. My everyday issues are easily dealt with, germ issues, I do not like strangers touching me, and I hate crowds. Other smaller issues I deal with are that I do not like confrontation, low tolerance for nonsense and I have separation anxiety. Well when I am in "meltdown" mode it kind of sneaks up on me. I have bigger issues like I do not like stuff on the top shelves of my cabinets and closets. Weird, eh? Very weird and presents a huge problem because I never know where to put the stuff I take off the top shelves of all my cabinets and I can not have stuff out on my countertops (that drives me crazy). Which stresses me out even more, it is a vicious circle. The more stressed I am the more problems with these "issues" I have. So until I can control it I will put on a happy face for the real world. At least I can write how I feel here.I am not sure where this need to have the open space comes from but once it starts it takes me a bit of time to get it under control again. Sometimes when my husband opens the cabinet in the kitchen and sees the top shelf empty the look on his face is just horrible like OH NOT again! But he never says anything because he knows this is a battle within myself and something I have to work out. I always have issues with germs but when this meltdown starts it becomes a HUGE problem. Thank God for antibacterial everything because it helps me with this problem; sprays, wipes, soaps ect... I think I can trace my germ issues back to when I was pregnant with my daughter. It took me 2.5 years to get pregnant, then I had a horrible pregnancy which ended up with me in bed laying on my left side for the last three months of my pregnancy. I will not go into the details but it was truly horrible never knowing if my girl would make it and there were times they thought she would not. I use to work as a medical assistant in my prior life (before kids) and on this day I brought back a little boy who was sick. The mom and I were talking about everything. She had a bunch of kids and was asking me about my pregnancy, so I was giving her the gory details. Then I said what is your son here for today? She said chicken pox, I gasped and ran out of the room. I went right to the phone and called my OBGYN immediately, I was crying, not knowing if this would harm my already delicate baby who was having a hard time as it was. My doctor said with much concern in his voice,please tell me you have had the chicken pox. I said oh yes I had them when I was 2 years old. He said with much relief... FANTASTIC!! Well that was it for me I refused to see anymore patients during my pregnancy so I started to doing billing for the doctor, soon after that I was put on bed rest. Well this started my germ issues. I never returned to the medical field again. I did not want to be near sick people at all. I ended up staying home with my kids for about 10 years and went back to college for a second try at a new career. (my husband was not happy with my wasted college experience the first time, I guess because he had to pay for the second time, I worked and paid for the first time) Well my second try was kind of ironic because I attended
Gallaudet University in DC for two years. This is a deaf college and deaf people have no personal space issues. They bump into you, tap you, push you, stand right up next to you, UGGHHHHH it drove me NUTS!!! But in their world they are only alerted by touch something us hearing folks take for granted. One time I saw my friend (who is deaf) drive by me and I was beeping like crazy and thought hmmppfff she did not even look, when my mom said to me very calmly as she tried not to break up in laughter ummmm she's deaf and can not hear you beeping then broke into a roar of laughter. Well I left that college because it was driving me crazy being touched all the time and they do NOT like hearing people at their deaf college. I may have to put a disclaimer on this blog entry RANDOM THOUGHTS BEWARE.... Back on subject... I will not bore you with all the details of my whackey personality or issues (I have plenty other stuff to bore you with ~winks~). But after the misunderstanding with my friend, which unfortunately was never resolved, it has brought my past to the present and it is haunting me. I believe that is why I wrote the post about my childhood experience with a child molester. Honestly, I have not thought about that experience in years and years. Unfortunately, I think the past always comes back to bite you on the bottom whether you deal with it or not. The only bite in the bottom I want is like the one in the next picture.So my answer to my friends question (if there was ever a time in my life that I was normal?) well the answer is NO. I was even whacky as a child. I wrote about this in a previous post about my birth and childhood. I was always a bit odd. I was too smart for my own good back then. My mother always said the devil breathed life into me at 1 year old and then left when I was 5 years old. I calmed down completely when I got into school. Although school was great and I enjoyed it, I had to sit at a table with two other kids all through elementary school. So socialization was lost because we were always being taught the next year's work. When I was in first grade they taught me second grade work so on and so forth. I remember sitting with Kathy and Michael wanting so bad to be part of the class the entire time. We did join our class for art, silent reading, music, lunch and recess. But I hated being different back then. I had quite the quandry arise with my daughter. She is very smart way smarter than I could have ever aspired to be. The child started talking at 6 months old. (Side note: I did not talk until I was 5 years old well lets say no one could understand me until I was 5 years old, haha I know I know making up for lost time) Well I figure she was smarter than my husband and I when she was about 2 years old boy did she ever work us over. She started preschool at 2.5 years old. She would sit down write her name on her paper and then color. Most of the kids did not know how to hold a crayon back then. When she arrived at kindergarten her teacher wanted her skipped to the first grade. I refused because I watched her struggle with being the youngest person in the class because she has a late birthday. I figured if she was almost 2 years younger than everyone it would mess her up. So I kept her in kindergarten. She seems to be doing okay now but she was bored through elementary school. Middle school was better and highschool challenges her much more. I guess I need to insert ~Random thought beware~yet again. I think I have so much swirling around in my brain this past week and half I can not get my mind on task. Well, I guess I better close this entry for now. I will leave you with the thought What is truly normal? Although, my life and my issues are normal for me to the outside world, I seem whacky.


At 3/21/2006, Blogger Top cat said...

Cherish..this is a fantastic post..and yes I read EVERY word..I couldn't stop!
First this serves as an example of what blogging can be, a means of expressing our thoughts and emotions with anonymity.
This anonymity allows us to say things we might not say to someone else.

I love how you are upfront about your issues, you don't try to hide them or sugarcoat them..this is healthy in my view.
You accept them and find ways of dealing with them.

I will go short of calling your husband a saint but he does seem quite supportive of you and must have a lot of patience to deal with these uh..idiosyncracies.

Word dictionary describes normal as..normal >adjective 1 conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
Might not be a bad thing not being normal..lol

thank you for a great post cherish.
I really enjoyed reading this and I especially liked the ass biting picture.LOL

At 3/21/2006, Blogger Underachiever said...

Great Post Cherishy! You cute little wacko you.


At 3/21/2006, Blogger Big Ben said...

Everyone has there wacky traits, total waste of space to not put stuff in the top shelf. I'm tall I like to put stuff up there.

Do you eat the skin on an apple?

At 3/22/2006, Blogger alan said...

I wonder how I'm going to explain why I'm watching cheerleading...hmmmm!

I'm sorry about a "can of worms" ending up open...I know I have some of those I try to avoid for the most part as well. Kind of like land mines for your psyche...except removing them is a lot harder!

Thinking of you!


At 3/22/2006, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

We all have issues, and we all have stuff that happened in our childhood come back to haunt us from time to time. So yes, while you may be whacky, you are certainly not alone in your whackiness!

What is really cool is how honest and forthright your are about those issues. That is a very healthy approach. And that is part of what makes you so cool :)

I think you're gonna be just fine!

At 3/22/2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You think you are the only person that is hurt by this misunderstanding, my feelings are hurt too, and I am respecting your wishees about not commenting on your blog (except for this one) so do me a favor and do the same dont comment on mine. I am upset about this too but nothing has been resolved because when I email you, you make it all about you.

At 3/22/2006, Blogger LocuTus of Borg said...

cherish that is fantastic! What a great post and so much more learning about you. You are definitely NOT normal >:P haha. But to answer your question ... no one is. That is what makes life so great is that no one is the same. Everyone is different. We have a wonderful life interacting with all of these people learning all the quirks plus dealing with the frustration when that do not conform to our ideals ... which for some reason we can never figure out HAHA!

Like some of the things that top cat and mr fab said - you are up front in your wackiness :). But talking about them makes it that much easier to deal with and resolve. And congrats to your daughters dance team - wonderful! Maybe I will have to find it somewhere on TV maybe to see you O-O- heehee.

At 3/22/2006, Blogger cherish said...

TC: Thank you so much for your kind words!! I appreciate them as always. My husband is a Saint, hehe for putting up with me.

Undr: Thankies and welcome back!!!

Big Ben: I know it is a waste of space and soon the stuff will be back there. I do eat the skin on an apple is that why I am like this??

Alan: I will think of reason why you are watching cheerleading, hehe!! Agrees about the landmines, something always triggers it. Sometimes it can just be a look on someone's face.

Anonymous: Not sure why you made this anonymous but anyway... I will respect your wishes about signing your blog. I told you it was up to you whether or not you wanted to sign my blog. If my blog, my past or my life offended or bothered you then do not sign it, but if you wanted to sign in then please do. I like your blog, I sign your blog because I want to and I will miss your blog. But I will respect your wishes. I will cut this short here because this is not the forum in which to air dirty laundry. Thank you for visiting my blog and signing it this time.

LoB: HEYYYYY I resemble that remark!! LOL... Hey I am whacky but like my husband says at least we always have something to laugh at!! I have really enjoyed blogging for the most part. A few hate mail here and there over content but everyone has a right to their opinion. I enjoy reading the blogs that are about real life so I think that is why I write about real life.
I will let you know date, time and channel of the competition so you can see us!!! Hehe I will have to get a sign to all my BLOGGER BUDDIES!! laughs

Thank you everyone for your comments and feedback. A post like that is difficult to publish but it feels good to get it all out in the open.

At 3/22/2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are the one who aired the dirty laundry not me.
I signed it anonymous because it should be between me and you and not the whole world.

At 3/22/2006, Blogger cherish said...

Anonymous: I did not think writing about a misunderstanding without any details whatsoever was airing dirty laundry but again I guess I was wrong. Sometimes things seem so very clear to me but I guess that is because I am the one writing it. This post was not meant to offend you, call attention to you or really anything to do with you,(misunderstandings happen between friends and family all the time)this post was more towards answering my friend's question that I thought was so funny. Later he apologized for the question thinking it came across wrong and did not want to hurt my feelings, but all along I knew what he meant, I also knew he meant no harm and was just asking out of curiousity. I guess humor is also in the eye of the beholder. You are a beautiful person and I am sorry you have felt hurt by my blog. Thank you for commenting again, I appreciate your input and I will leave you with my deepest apologies.

At 3/22/2006, Blogger Sonya said...

Yeah for your daughter's squad. I have been trying to get preg so I understand what you went through.

I think we are al a little wacky. Who can honestly define "Normal"?

At 3/22/2006, Blogger cherish said...

Thanks Sonya!!!

It is funny I was trying so hard to get pregnant for 2 1/2 years. Every month the same thing. I would be late, then very excited and I take a pregnancy test. Negative... sigh and my period would start immediately. What rollercoaster ride that was... My husband was in school at that time and I was driving him nuts. He asked me if we could please just take a break for about 10 months to a year. He wanted to start his third year of school and then we would start going to doctors. I agreed begrudingly! Well as soon as we stopped trying I was pregnant the next month. It was the craziest thing ever and she arrived on the month that we were going to start trying again. Now the second pregnancy is much much easier... lol when my daughter was 8 months old I got pregnant. Best thing that ever happen to us but they were supposed to be 5 years apart, at least that is how I planned it. hehe Best laid plans. But God knew what he was doing it was the best thing for our family to have them so close. Tomorrow is my son's 13 birthday and my daughter is 14. I will keep you in my thoughts and wishes you the absolute best.

At 3/22/2006, Blogger :phil: said...

Cherish, we all have our own issues. Yours are unique to you and I applaude you for your openness and your friendship.

Who the hell is normal anyway? I don't think that condition exists ;-)

At 3/22/2006, Blogger Dear AL said...

What is truly normal? Hmmmmmmm... Does normal exist? That's the question!

A friend of mines also went through the same thing, but after a couple of years she finally got pregnant, and now has a son name Adam.

I also have a problem with germs, but just at work, because everybody is funky!

Congratulations with your daughters team, Cherish!

At 3/22/2006, Blogger cherish said...

Phil: Thank you so much, I value our friendship immensely!

Dear Al: Its funny my friend had testicular cancer. He was never able to have children and when they found the cancer they said that is probably why he never had children. Eight years after he beat cancer, his wife got pregnant. He was 49 and she was 50 and they had their first child a few months ago and they named her Eve. Smiles your story made me think of them.

At 3/22/2006, Blogger Zen Wizard said...

This was definitely an interesting post.

Obviously the question begged here is, "What is normal?"

This question is probably most effectively answered by not the "presence of normalcy," but inversely by the "absence of abnormalcy."

In other words, what we define as "normal" would be the "absence of neurosis"; or, "acting in one's own best self-interest most of the time."

In that case, of course, NO ONE is 100% normal, because only a robot would have "0% neurosis."

From reading the post, in all honesty, it seems like you always "marched to a different drummer." But then obviously some very strange things happened in the course of your life.

Let's say for hypothesis that the same things happened to a person we consider, "very normal."

Since you can't be "100% non-neurotic," let's say this hypothetical person is "99% non-neurotic."

The experiences that you have had would have effected even THIS person, resulting in a person who maybe WAS "99% non-neurotic," and making them, say, "85% non-neurotic."

I have kind of the same trouble with "past baggage." The only thing that even comes close for me is something like hypnotherapy, where you "partially erase" some of the bad stuff.

(It is never 100% gone, or there would be no such thing as, say, post-traumatic stress disorder.)

My advice (and you probably won't do it) is to try what I call a "partial memory erasing technique."

Here's a good one--take a really bad and painful memory. Imagine you are watching it on a huge screen color TV. You have a special remote control which gradually changes color to black and white.

You watch the painful memory on the TV, and as you watch it you press the button and watching yourself in color experiencing the bad memory turns to black and white.

When it is 100% black and white, you press the "Off" button on the remote, and instead of going off all at once like a modern digital TV, it fades out into a little white dot like an old black and white tube TV.

If you do this a couple times with a really traumatic memory, I am not claiming it "goes away," it just reduces in power somewhat until it doesn't control you AS MUCH.

Also, since you have not "100% erased the memory," just "turned it into black and white and then turned it off," you can't rationalize, like we sometimes do, that we "need these painful memories because they make us who we are," etc. This is because you still HAVE the black and white memory; it has just lost some of its power.

At 3/22/2006, Blogger Sonya said...

Cherish - I have been told when you last expect it that it will happen.

I don't mean to but into your personal life or anonymous, but I'm going to. I don't think this post aired any dirty laundry about you and whoeve anonymous is. No one would have even expected anything at all if anonymous hadn't made that comment. Anyway, whatever your differences are I hope they get worked out cuz nothing is worse than a friend and I disagreeing. Hopefully yall can agree to disagree and go on. *hugs*

I'll drop this story now.

At 3/22/2006, Blogger Top cat said...

I think I am normal in the sense that everyone else who is considered normal aren't really normal so by default I AM normal.
(I've read this twice and I know it makes sense...I think)

sonya..I will remain a gentleman and not stoop so low as to say something about if you need some help...see I didn't say it.(wink)

At 3/22/2006, Blogger cherish said...

Zen: Thank you very much for the advice. I will give it a try!! Heck I would love to try anything to get rid of some of this baggage.

Sonya: Everyone told me too but I could hear nothing they said. I wanted a baby so bad. I think our bodies get so tense and nervous. It is an awful road Sonya but so VERY worth it!!! Thank you for your kind words!!!! I do greatly appreciate it.

TC: hehehe HAHAHAHA hehehe you normal?????? TOO Funny!!!

At 3/22/2006, Blogger Jim C said...

Who wants to be labeled normal anyway??? That's too boring..better to keep 'em guessing...

At 3/22/2006, Blogger Tim ID said...

Normally, I would have a great deal to say about being wacky. But everyone seems to have said it. Regardless, it is your wackiness that makes you uniquely Cherish. And that is pretty cool.

At 3/23/2006, Blogger cherish said...

Jim: So very true!!

Tim: Thank you very much!!


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