Saturday, February 04, 2006

When You Look in the Mirror Who do You see?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not recognized the person who is looking back? That one grey hair peeking out from your part. A subtle change in your skin. Where is the young girl(or guy) you once were? Who is that person starring back at you? I have went from being a successful person to being someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's aunt and someone's lover. As you reflect back on your life do you wonder where you went, when did you disappear? I am not sure why I am reflecting so much last night and today but I am. So welcome to my insanity.... hehe When did you lose who you once were? Do you miss who you were? Are you comfortable in your new shoes? I look in the mirror sometimes and I do not know me. Then sometimes as I am laughing hysterical with my husband and children, I hear the old me. My laughter has never changed. So I am happy when I hear the old me. Then when I realize the old me is nowhere in site. It makes me sad because in life I have went from an independent woman having a great time in my skin to being the maid, chauffer, slave, bank, gardner, chef, counselor, launderer, accountant, disciplinarian and girl friday. I get tired of trying to make everything okay for everyone else, putting fires out before they start and noone doing that in return for me. But other times I feel the queen of the world. My husband realizes everything I do for him and our family. After 18 years of marriage he still thanks me for the stuff I do for him. He always says he knows about 10% of what is happening in our world and ignorance is bliss! chuckles. When I turned 36 (UGHHHH the downside of 40 double ughhhh), I got a tattoo and I got my tragus pierced. So what is this all about today??? Mid life crisis?? chuckles I think I just need another tattoo. hehe Did I tell you my husband HATES tattoos? That is a sore spot, I love them and he hates them but he accepts that I like them.

Well if you know me you know I am spoiled rotten. I most definitely expect to get what I want. (shhhh I am not suppose to admit that I know that!!, my husband did this to me although he blames my mom, laughs) I saw the Chrysler Pacifica on the road one day when they first came out. I was like OMG I love that!! what is it? We are rushing down the highway to see what kind of car/van/SUV it was. So I was whining I want one of those. My husband is like forget it!!! Although he said that about the Blazer he bought me in 94, the concorde he bought me in 99, laughsssssssss.... But he kept telling me he was serious this time. So I put my Pacifica dreams on hold. Although every time I saw one in my husband's presence I whined, pouted or oooooed and ahhhhedd. So I proceed to set my sights on a laptop for Christmas. I kept telling my husband it would be so nice I could sit in the family room with him while he is watching television. He said no way!!!!!!!!!!! laughs.... Well Christmas 2004 my husband bought me a Chrysler Pacifica and I was thrilled!!! It arrived mid December.. Wooooo hoooooo.... It is SOOOOO beautiful I love it!!!!!!! Christmas morning we opened up all the gifts everyone was happy as a clam. My husband bought me so much stuff. Honestly I am just happy that he actually goes shopping for me. It means the world to me. He never goes to the store so Christmas time, I do not care what he buys me, I just love that he actually goes shopping, but shhhhhh dont tell him. Well he gives me one last gift, everyone is gathered around and watching. My first thought... gag gift. Well I opened the gift and guess what? I am now typing on it. Yuppers lap top. I was so shocked I started crying. I mean after the Pacifica I figured I was not going to get anything. I am telling you about this because I do not want to act like I am this abused hardworking mom who gets nothing in return. This is not a gripe session it is just a blog about the changes we go through as we age.

My next reflection is about lost friendships. I can not understand how something as important as a loving friendship can end. I often wonder maybe I was wrong in viewing the friendship as something special. If I am so easily discarded then the friendship was not really important to the other person. I have a philosphy in life; take everyone with me into the future. Every person who touches my life; I want to keep them close to me. When they disappear I feel a part of me is lost. But it seems to them there is no loss at all. I do not care what the reason is for a friend pulling away be it they have a new friend, petty jealousy, a new lover, children, new job, change in schedule, so on and so forth. There are so many reasons for friendships ending, I could go on and on. But I believe if the friendship is true and the love is real there would be absolutely nothing that can break you apart, you will work through anything. I just think in our busy lives it is easier to let friendships slide and tend to the stuff that is right in your face demanding attention. We need to stop and remember what is really important to us, family, friends, and love.


At 2/04/2006, Anonymous xmichra said...

Cherish, I am not harping here or being judgmental (honestly) but I will reply to your end portion of your post.
Friendships are a hard thing to maintain, many people take them for granted (think they will just be there with no work) and others try like mad to preserve them. But ultimately, friendship is like everything else. It is undeterminable.
I have recently written a post about some of the friendship issues I am having (or had), so I think you can appreciate what I am about to say here. Sometimes you have to let go. Sometimes it is a one sided emotion ‘friendship’ and sometimes it can be healed with time. But If you have no feed back or nothing to work with.. well then It is probably within your best interest to stop.
There are things you can work on… but sometimes if a person feels betrayed, or has set a different set of priorities.. or simply wants to change themselves… well you can’t really help that. All you can do Is try not to let that taint your other relationships.. or yourself. People grow, and we all try hard to be good people… don’t let the ending of a relationship be the bitter point in your life. As is evident in your site, you are very strong and there is still very much ‘you’ in here and in your real life. ((hugs))

ps (love the van Gogh)

At 2/04/2006, Blogger Jim C said...

Change is inevitable. People pass through our lives and we can only enjoy them while they're around. You know I've had the same kind of experience from some of my blog entries lately. It's tough and confusing, but it happens. It's usually not a reflection of ourselves, just the nature of things.
When I look in the mirror, I wonder who I'm going to be today - although i have spent lots of time asking the same questions you do - wondering what happened to the past. It got me nowhere - if anything the worry added to the grey hair!! It took me a long time to realize when I spend time wishing on the past, that I miss today. Now, some days, I know, it can't be helped - especially when you want to sell the kids and your hubby - when things get overwhelming. Ride the wave, kiddo. Nothing lasts forever. (Let's see, what other platitudes can I dig up????) :>)

At 2/05/2006, Blogger Still Searching... said...

I know what you're talking about Cherish. I had a girlfriend that meant the world to me. We went through so much together and have been friends for so long. Then, all of a sudden, it was gone. It was really sudden as all that, I saw her drifting but thought it was just a phase, then when it was too late, I felt powerless to stop it. It saddens me greatly. We still talk occasionally, but it will never be the same.

At 2/05/2006, Blogger Top cat said...

I'm sorry to hear about these feelings you are having.That is alot of work and one that ususally doesn't get much recognition.
Perhaps when you look how nice your home looks when you clean it and how wonderful your children have turned out you can lift your head high and realize all YOUR hard work has paid off.

I can't agree with you more about friendships, if both people work hard at it, they can overcome the problems and make it last forever.

At 2/05/2006, Blogger Fred said...

Sorry your hubby hates tattoos. After I got a few, The Missus went and got a few, too. I love them!

At 2/06/2006, Blogger cherish said...

XMichra: I absolutely agree with you!! Some people do not realize their frienships are important until they are completely gone. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I always love hearing your input!!

Jim: Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. Wow they really hit home! I appreciate your time and advice.

Still Searching: I have had the same thing, my best friend in the entire world left our friendship. She met a man fell in love, left her husband for him and then decided she no longer needed me. He is her best friend now. It has been three years; I miss just as much as the first day she abandoned us and she does not give me a second thought. At first I fought and fought to stay in her life, it was exhausting. After the first year I kept saying to myself once it is not so new anymore (her relationship with this new guy) she will come back. But day by day she slipped farther and farther away. I think as much as I miss her, I miss her kids even more. We were raising our children together they were like brothers and sisters. Our church would allow us to register them for Sunday School as one family because it was cheaper and they viewed us as one family. We always took the four kids to church together every Sunday. Oh well such is life now she is just someone I would could in an extreme emergency and I do believe at that point she will be available. But I have not seen or spoke to her in sometime.

TC: Thanks TC!! I am very proud of what brats my children have turned out to be, chuckles. They are actually house devils street angels... I can take them absolutely anywhere and they will act right. Friendships need love and attention like all living things.

Fred: I love them too Fred!!! I have four tattoos and dreaming of number five. My husband told me if had to get a tattoo the only thing he would get was "Made In Germany" on his butt. LAUGHS!! He is from Germany and proud of it. Oh well I guess if we were all the same what a boring life it would be. But Tattoos ROCK!!

At 2/06/2006, Blogger Tim ID said...

One thing I get a kick out of about blogging is that many of us write about similar feelings or experiences. I suppose that shouldn't come as that big a suprise to me. I wrote a blog about mirrors a year or so ago ( about my own angst about looking in the mirror. And I've agonized about the question of why friends come into your life and then seem to disappear as we get caught up in the challenges of everyday life. I guess it is good to know that commonality in experience.

Great post.

At 2/07/2006, Blogger cherish said...

Tim: Isnt that amazing! When I see a blog entry about how I am feeling or something I have already blogged I always think I am not alone! I really think it is funny that I can not remember what I had for breakfast but I can remember all my blog entries back to the end of August when I started. Thank you for stopping by and commenting!

At 2/13/2006, Blogger LocuTus of Borg said...

I can not say any more than has already been said ... ditto.

Fred has tattoes? Hmmm learn something new about him everyday heehee

At 2/13/2006, Blogger cherish said...

LoB: Thanks for stopping by!!!


Post a Comment

<< Home